Alya ☭ ✡ ⚧'s profile picture

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head laid against the keyboard i'm tired and i will sleep

[m aintain] [harbour] [pin to floor]

Got out of a nap not too long ago i had to take to make my eyes stop the colorful neon lights display that reflects a migraine. I think i've been lost staring into screens for far too long. My body blinds to exclaim its defeat
I've been thinking a lot about lesbianism and my gender identity and i'm watching other people wonder the same in their own personal lives while projecting it into the digital sphere. I feel like it's more natural to be a lesbian than it it to be whatever role i've been playing for the past two years. I knew it when i was six and i knew it again when i was eleven and i knew it again when i was thirteen, but i ditched it all in honor of some transfag daydream where i was desired by cis men and their awful habits. I still don't entirely believe i'm a lesbian, since i've thought about sexuality too much to be anything but queer. Every label seems to only get worse and more normative connotations and exceptions, and somehow has onlu become more limiting. As a butch expressionist, as a futch, i could fall in love with a self-sufficient man, but i'd still probably feel like a lesbian. Maybe it's just my childhood that makes it feel closer than anything, some key point. I've lived as every letter in LGBTQ and i don't feel like i ought to explain any of that to anyone. I barely like explaining it to myself; i know what's going on and i know how it goes. Every explaination feels like a reduction, nothing ever satisfies.
Gender identity is always more difficult than sexual identity. It's not that it gives me more trouble to experience, but it gives me far more trouble to "explain." I don't know how to say any part of it that will make sense to you, or how to say any part without reducing myself. AFAB, AMAB, go die on your hill of assumptions and bioessentialism. I stopped giving a gender after "trans." I'm a transsexual, i'm a transgender, i'm a tranny, that's it. End of all stories. Having never experienced either consistently as a child and now young adult, there are days i do feel like a trans woman and days i do feel like a trans man. It's wickedly unpopular to think that way. Really to feel that way... i don't think about it as in i don't tread where i've got no real right to. I know my place. I'm a man who's a woman who's just some guy. I'm a lesbian, i'm a butch, i'm a faggot. Those are my gender identities. Butch most particularly, somedays futch, never really femme. Like the creator i am that i am.

Desire as a transsexual is awful. doesn't help my case that i'm so distant and reluctant towards everything, but there's an awfully common root: no matter how much i shy or runaway, i long, horribly, for connection, intensity, friendship, comradery, understanding. that's a desire. and as a transsexual i feel like i'll never really get it, because since i left seventh grade i haven't had a friend stick around, stay close, and understand me. always something happens: i'm moved away, they become nasty to others, and once my mental health short-circuted, which wound up ending in me being moved out anyway. none of those have necessarily been my fault as the endings of friendships, but i do have fault in the short beginnings of friendship. i'm convinced i'm not understood by the people i try to talk to. i've had to deal with severe isolation in adolescence and teenhood, so i already have a lower-hand in trying to communicate since i don't get what i'm supposed to do, but i feel like i'm held as something i'm not, like some people are afraid of getting to know me on a daily, silly, casual basis because it'll break some illusion. i'm not mysterious, i just spent too long being lonely and forced to keep my company in my head. i don't want this. i ask you about yourself and i want to hear it. i answer all of your questions with complete, earnest honesty. i don't want to be lonely. can't they all see i try to reach out and hang out? i ask upfront, i don't always sidestep and hope they jump on it first. i try and i'm still neglected, but regaled as "cool" or "mysterious" or some other dumbass adjective. let me in! i'm no mystery, i'm lonely! i'll tell you everything if you'll just let me know you, let us hang out together, let us joke and talk freely with each other. on days like this i'm starving. i haven't even touched on the transsexual aspect. i'll get to it some other time.