These are my pictures, my body

I make softcore porn on tumblr. I post it, make it, in a desperate attempt to gather funds and attention to my top surgery. I'm not a fan. Daily i have to block cismen, terfs. The cis men are the worst. These pictures don't feel like porn to me. These specific pictures are my body in a way that doesn't make me so dysphoric, so toyish. I like them. They make me feel good. Things could get a lot better, and they will. I post my face freely on tumblr, but decided to omit it here......









Sometimes it's like someone took a knife, baby, edgy and dull, and cut a six inch valley thru the middle of my skull

I have a few names...i no longer like disclosing my pronouns, but i rather exclusively use he'him....i am trans/sexual/gender/vestite, but refuse to say in what directions...i'm grey all around...i don't trust cisgendered people with my body...i'm a dyke, though i've lived as a fag, and i keep it with me...intertwined; fagdyke-dykefag....my single mother was always more like a father...i wrestle constantly, Jacob or Yisrael, and G-d is everything, everywhere...i struggle with sex repulsion, sex addiction, compulsions to be a toy for others' pleasure, sexual and non...i want to shed it...rather i want to cut it out of me, no matter how dull the knife...yet being so cancerous it regrows...yet being so desperate i carve again....i said, earlier: let me look at nothing unless i am looking it in the eye.

I am saving money for top surgery...i am keeping watch over my actions, guard over my behaviors...the latter not out of dysphoria, but resentment, determination to never go back...i am packing, something i've neglected for years...i am keeping myself to myself, unwilling to be candid with family...i love packing, honestly...it's nice, homely, oddly domestic, maybe... i want a phalloplasty, but no erection implant... flaccid, a limb not unlike my arm in sexual allure. i live somewhere with nobody, but before next summer i will be loving somewhere with everybody...translib transglory transsex!...my thoughts aren't coming together as one, not at all...i am saving money by putting my body for view on the internet...softcore porn and fantasies that aren't mine...i know the tricks to use and i can't stand them at all...but this is my second living, my tip jar....soon i will be out... i will be seven or eight months on testosterone by the time i leave...i will have straight teeth, how strange...i will be poor like everyone in my family before me, and knowing the troubles that await make me feel calm...somehow...i know what may come before it can